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[07 Jan 2006|07:25pm] |
I want power in my words
I want passion in my eyes
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| today was a bad day to study john donne.. |
[12 Oct 2005|11:59am] |
as virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls, to go,
Whilst some of their said friends do say,
The breath goes now, and some say, no:
So let us melt, and make noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move,
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity of our love.
Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears,
Men reckon what it did and meant,
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.
Dull sublunary lovers' love
(Whose soul is sense) cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
Those things which elemented it.
But we by a love, so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assured of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips, and hands to miss.
Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but and expansion,
Like gold to airy thinness beat.
If they be two, they two are so
As stiff twin compasses are two,
Thy soul the fixed foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.
And though it in the centre sit,
Yet when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.
Such wilt though be to me, who must
Like th' other foot obliquely run;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.
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[10 Jun 2005|06:57pm] |
Comment if you want to be added.
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[05 Jun 2005|11:08pm] |
( my new bedroom )
today anna rod and i went to port dalhousie... it was beautiful
( the beach )
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[04 Jun 2005|12:22am] |
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no not baby anymore, if i need you i'll just use your simple name, only kisses on the cheek from now on and in a while you'll only have to wave...
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[27 May 2005|09:12am] |
no matter what thoughts i try to write down and figure out....
they are too much now to fix with writing.
whatever hurt i feel, betrayal i feel, wont get fixed by writing about it anymore.
i can either drop it and forget it..
or run away and just forget this life altogether.
of course, thats far more easier said than done.
but in an ideal world, it would work and i would forget everything i've done and every friend i've made, the boyfriend i've had and leave and start new and no one would ever hear from me again. i'd disappear from their lives as they would dissappear from mine.
if only i could erase emotions and memory from my mind... then i could let go easily.
it just seems like life is throwing every curve ball my way in terms of my current relationship.. and i've been telling myself for months we'll get a break sooner or later.. and just as i think we do... we dont.
and then it turns out its because of me. and then i cry about that.
and then i hear that stupid rise against song i used to listen to relentlessly... if love is a labour i'll slave to the end
i want to. i will. if we've stuck by eachother this much... especially him by me... doesnt that stand for anything?
it has to stand for something.
i've also been crying way way way too much the past couple weeks.
more noticably the past week.
i cry over everything.
i cry thinking about things i cried yesterday and teh day before and the day before that.
i cry if i cant hang out with him because he's busy.
i cry if i cant hang out with him when he's finally not busy and i have to work.
i cry about money.
i cry about school.
i cry about halifax and friends.
i cry about my friends little sister who i just found out is pregnant.
i cry about having to go home today.
i cry about not being able to move out at the end of may because greg wont give me money.
i cry about my car.
i cry when i found out lies people have told to me, even if it was to just make me stop crying about something else.
i cry about waking up early in the morning, and being tired early in the evening.
i cry about the aches in my body and how much my hips and back hurt today.
i cry about not being able to afford to travel this summer.
right now i feel like a giant piece of shit both phsyically and emotionally and about life.
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[22 May 2005|11:57am] |
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"take me by the hand and tell me you would take me anywhere"
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[20 May 2005|10:25am] |
MY MOM BOUGHT A CAR!!!!!!!!!!
she picks it up on wednesday night.
as of then the car is exclusively MINE which means i can even move out May 31!!!
i'm so so so so excited right now.
haha i called spencer at nearly 1am to tell him.
speaking of which... i coaxed him into hanging out with me lastnight after bringing him sushi at work.
yesterday was the most boring day ever before then.
i watched him play video final fantasy. then we ate poutine and watched viva la bam... i fell asleep and then went home.
tonight we are going to arizona's again. i'm so pumped haha.
i never thought i'd put "pumped" and "arizona'a" in the same sentence.
i think its just because spencer's coming and we get to get wasted and dance and just go crazy.
dan, alicia, mel and heather are all coming as well.
tequila shots all night for me... even though i have five beers in my fridge.
maybe i will make spencer buy me five shots and he can have my beer..
sounds like a good idea.
tonight i'm going shopping because i really dont have stuff to wear out to bars. it gets hot in there so i want a new tank top... and maybe i'll wear my new white skirt... maybe.
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| i'm bored stiff and its only 12pm.. |
[19 May 2005|12:02pm] |
Great Catch
You scored 45% bitchiness, 65% sexual drive, 55% cleanliness, and 70% self confidence! |
| You are a fantastically great catch. You are nice enough, confident, clean and super-sexy. Lots of people want to get their hands on you so the hard part about being you is trying to choose a partner worthy enough for you. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 59% on bitchiness |
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You scored higher than 67% on sexual drive |
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You scored higher than 43% on cleanliness |
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You scored higher than 65% on self confidence |
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[19 May 2005|09:38am] |
yesterday was great.
i got to spend the entire day with spencer. which we havent done in a very long time.
i slept there and in the morning we left to get anna and rod and drive them to hamilton airport.
we stopped at ikea first and had food and adventures int he giant furniture warehouse.
spencer drove home for me because he was antsy and i was cranky.
we hung out for a bit, and then around 4 headed out to get into the star wars line.
i had to pick my mom up at work so i didnt get there til a bit after five...
we made friends with a girl name kaitlyn... and phil was there too.
we basically hung out for 5 hours until they told us to clean up..
they let us in around 10:30/11 ish and i fell asleep in our seats which spencer was pumped to score.
i dont have anything insightful to say about the movie. i miss all the important parts haha.
after the opening scenes i was dozing on and off.. but i was wide awake for the last 45 minutes or so.. and they were pretty cool.
spencer bought us these kiddle lawn chairs from the bay when we were waiting in line.
they were attached with cupholders in the middle. he bought a blanket too and i liked it because it was cozy.
he dropped me off at about 3am.
and now i am awake.
i've come to the conclusion that its impossible to sleep in at my house.
whenever i sleep at spencers we get up at 9 or 10... when i am here... i cant sleep past 7 without getting woken up.
even if i tell my mother i am off the night before... she will wake me up in the morning to check.
then she takes the mirror out of my bedroom and uses it to blowdry her hair on the comfy chair in the living room.
then she makes all sorts of noise putting it back ON the wall.
then my dad gets up and starts doing his daily "rounds" of grabbing garbage from my room and hammering things.
they all just come and go into my room as they please with no regard to the fact that i am sleeping.
its fucking annoying as shit and i am pumped to get out of here.
which is going to take forever because my mom is taking forever to buy a new car.
and she gets mad at me whenever i decided to go somewhere.
even though she said... its my car now and she only uses it when she needs it.
whatever, i'm not getting into it because we'll never see eye to eye and i cant wait to get out of this fucking madhouse.
i still believe they took the wrong baby home...
they're real daughter is somewhere in england feeling completely disassociated with her "family" too.
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| the red ones help me fly and the blue ones make me fall... |
[17 May 2005|05:44pm] |
you really gotta love it when your mom physically grabs your legs and shakes them to make fun of the "chub" on them.
and i wonder why i'm scared to fucking gain a pound.... i'm surrounded by people who love to be and see skinny.
fuck
i'm so fucking emotional right now it sucks.
it could be pms... but who knows since i was supposed to start the wonder of womanhood today and it has decided to make me fucking wait.
i fucking hate hormones. i hate how if one thing goes wrong your whole body goes out of whack.. such as sickness causes hormones to fly in different directions.
i dont feel as physically shitty as i did yesterday.
i went to the doctors and they told me i had a throat/ear infection.
so far i've taken two doses of antibiotics and there is already a noticeable difference.
but i feel emotionally shitty because i'm fucking crying because my mom made me feel fat when according to the doctor, i'm underweight.
jesus fucking christ. somebody throw me a fucking bone.
please.
times like these i want to lash out and throw myself infront of a car or something.
you also have to love it when you're mom here's mychemical romance playing and tells you they are "satanic"
once again: jesus christ... maybe she should be worried about the bands who put pictures of dead lambs in their cd sleeves (i.e. slipknot) because that's a lot more "evil" than fucking singing about depression and love and death.
jesus christ.
sometimes i hate my life because its so fucking rediculous.
its not even bad.. i just feel like its a fucking joke.
sometimes i like to think my parents took the wrong kid from the hospital.
apparently since "chub" is something to make fun of, being a lady is of upmost importance and for the love of all things good and evil i should listen to a strict collection of andrew lloyd webber, celine dion and mariah carey cds.
tomorrow i'm driving anna and rod to the airport.
spencer is coming too.
hopefully tomorrow and tonight is better than the last half hour of my life.
a stranger with the door key, explaining that i am just visiting...
god bless the postal service.
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| i wouldnt like me if i met me.. |
[16 May 2005|08:08am] |
yesterday heather and i hung out at starbucks and had a proper girl chat. it was fun times.
i didnt really do much of anything though.
i got my car put in my name saturday morning.
so it is legally mine now.
which is pretty cool.
wednesday spencer and i are driving anna and rod to the airport and then hanging out in toronto.
i'm pretty excited.
there is a snow patrol show that night too.
i wouldnt mind going.. but i doubt we will.
today i bought an airfreshner that looks like cherries and febreeze for my car to make it smell good.
and it does.
possible hang out with spencer later on tonight.
its looking doubtful though.
i kind of feel like drinking tonight.
mainly because i have five beers in the fridge and i dont want to drink beer again at arizonas this friday.
i told spencer if he came with me i would just do tequila shots for the night.
beer is annoying to hold and dance with at the same time.
i think thats it for now.
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[15 May 2005|12:14pm] |
This song still makes me want to cry:
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do
Light up...
Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads
Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess
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[15 May 2005|11:19am] |
trip to arizona's...
Heather:
Heather, Jen and Alicia
Jen being really excited:
Matthew and Madeline... so cute....
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| squint your eyes and look closer... |
[14 May 2005|08:46am] |
i've decided i havent been spending nearly enough time listening to ani difranco.
my stomach is cramping.
thats what happens when all you've had after a night of drinking is rootbeer and a caramel machiato from starbucks.
lastnight i went to arizona's. it was fun/ very funny. it sucked that so many people i dont like were there, but i also saw a bunch of people i love and havent seen in forever. like mike bering and heather mccann.
pictures lata.
i called spencer at 2am and ended up sleeping at his place.
it was a party in his bedroom with me him and dan.
i didnt really talk to him much. i am moody with him, as always.
for rediculous reasons... i honestly think i just like getting mad at him sometimes.
well not really... but yeah... i take a lot out on the poor kid. i'm surprised he takes it.
i'm still stick and that fucking sucks.
i am absolutely exhausted and still wearing basically what i slept in lastnight.
with the exception that i am now wearing jeans and not pajama pants.
and i changed my underwear..
tonight the girls are going to my cottage.
it may be fun to go along.. but i'm pretty lousy right now and totally in the hole like 200 dollars or more.
speaking of which.. i am in the hole because... i finally got my car!
its not exclusively mine yet because my mom still needs to use it until she gets her new car.
but its in my name, i have my own licence plates.
i had to dish out about 650 bucks to get it in my name though.
which sucks.
i get paid today though.
and i will see absolutely NONE of it.
i hate life sometimes.
but after this.. its save save save.
for rent, car insurance, school annnd my fucking tattoo... but i dont have to worry about that til the end of june so i am okay i think.
tonight i feel like just hanging out and watching a movie.
and being rubbed... and babied...
i'm so fucking cold right now its rediculous.
lastnight i was shaking like a crazy woman.
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[12 May 2005|12:26pm] |
today is my brother's birthday.
he is now 21 years old.
legal in the US of A.
pretty neat.
he is in cuba right now.
i hope he is enjoying the shorts i bought him.
its cold out today.
but i dont mind because the sun is shining and the trees are blooming.
that makes me happy enough.
i slept at spencer's lastnight.
after driving around for two hours in anger.
my dad has decided to start charging me weekly rent that adds to 200/mo
that is what i was paying to live with spencer.
i just recieved news that erica and miranda are looking for a third roommate.
300 / all inclusive except phone.. and ihave a phone bill.
so i am set.
i called and i am in.
i will be there at the end of june.
pretty sweet.
i guess i win.
i just gotta save save save because i only have 400 dollars right now.
but i make enough money right now that i'll definitely be okay.
i just have to save because i dont know how long this job is gonna last for.
could be til the end of summer.. could be til the end of this month.
who knows.
i have an apopintment with niagara college next thursday at 11am.
so i'm pumped.
i guess that means no painting my room though.
but at least i have a bunch of sweet stuff though.
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| why dont you tell me again... |
[11 May 2005|07:38am] |
...how you'll be there when the heartache ends
mmmm
i've resolved that i have one of two choices:
i can live my life in the contemplative fashion i have been the past few days.
however, in order to live by the conclusions i have reached, or the thoughts i have been thinking, i really wouldnt be able to live.... i'd have to be completely isolated from everything.. and then i would just go crazy...
OR
i can live my life, knowing i have these thoughts, but accept them for what they are (thoughts and not necessarily truth) and just live...
i think i like the second one...
i'm not sure how things will turn out.
if they will last.
if they'll change.
if they'll stay the same.
but we're still holding on... and thats gotta stand for something..
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[09 May 2005|04:31pm] |
okay.
so today i drove greg's van... and he had the new rob thomas cd in his cd player.
i decided to give it a spin because i used to listen to matchbox twenty relentlessly.
and i need to say.. that after 5 year of listening to this man sing... he still makes me cry every fucking time.
his musical style may not be one of my top favourites... but his lyrics never fail to tug at my heartstrings...
we may never find our reason to shine
but here and now this is our time
and i may never find the meaning of life
but for this moment i am fine
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once we were so fine, why you gotta make it so hard on me
and i'm sorry but it's not a mistake
and i'm running but you're getting away
you're not the best thing that i knew
never was, never cared too much
for all this hanging around
it's just the same thing all the time
never get what i want
you're just the same thing i knew back before the time i was only for you.
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its never easy and you never know
what leaves you crying and what makes you whole
there aint know way i can hold it down
falling to pieces
forever in doubt
why dont you tell me again
how you'll be there when the heartache ends
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you heard of this emotional trickery
and you thought that you were learning the ropes
but where you're going now you dont know
pride like promises can let you down
you thought that you'd be feeling better by now
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when the fog has finally lifted
from my cold and tired brow
no i will not leave you crying
no i will not let you down
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[09 May 2005|10:21am] |
yesterday was pretty wicked.
probably one of the best days i've had in a long time.
sheryl.
shopping.
greek.
rootbeer.
musica.
show.
pics to come lata folks!
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